Rush Limbaugh Inspires me to Golf, says Redneck

  
      "I'm not much of a golfer,"says Milton.  "Don't really consider it a sport, know what I mean?  My idea of sport is hunting.  I like to zero in on an animal with my high power rifle and telescopic sight and blow it to kingdom come.  It's a beautiful thing, and the poor dumb animal isn't even aware that it's just about to be kill't.  POW--it's dead.  That's my idea of sport.  

     "But the other day I was watching this thing on The Golf Channel because one of my personal heroes (and a true goddamn American patriot) was going to be on it.  I tuned in early and watched this piece of crap about a homeless guy.  Imagine, a TV show about a homeless guy!  If I want to see the homeless, all I have to do is go downtown and I'd see lots of them.  (I'll tell you something--I wish we could hunt the homeless:  put a bounty on the lazy bastards and guys like me would have this homeless problem cleared up in a jiffy.)

     "Anyway, on this TV show called "Pipe Dreams" (HA!--more like "CRACK PIPE" DREAMS) there's this woebegone fellow who lives in a drainage pipe who wants to be a  professional golfer.  Right.  I''d like to tell him the same thing I tell the homeless I see on the street, which is 'get a job you lazy bum and make something of your pathetic life!' After all, it's this kind of attitude that made America great and if you don't like it ýou're probably a communist.

     "Well, you could ask my friend Rush about that, but it appears that he's mighty busy trying to learn how to play golf from this Hank Haney fellow.  This Hank Haney seems like a nice enough guy--I read somewhere that he used to teach that Tiger Woods rascal.  Seems as though he and Tiger had some kind of falling out. If you catch a glimpse of Haney's wife--she's this tall, leggy, blonde gal-- you might get an idea of why old Hank might not want that Tiger hanging around.

     "I figured I'd learn as my friend Rush learned, so I brought in my set of clubs and set them up in the living room.  I  could tell that my wife wasn't too happy about it but I gave her the look that tells her that I mean business and that was that.  Right away I found out that I have the same problem as Rush because I aim everything way to the right. I took out the lamp and a little unicorn statue that my wife was fond of but that's the price of progress. After all, that's the true American way and if you don't believe it then you're probably some kind of pinko socialist scum.  Know what I mean?

     "I heard Rush say that maybe he was too smart for golf and I think that might be my problem,too.  I'm talking about real-life smart, not fancy school-smart like those liberal morons that think they know everything and hate capitalism and want to tax and spend and are totally un-American if you ask me.
 
      "Well I got tired of swinging and missing and taking out some of the house furnishings and after a while I got so darned mad that I took the clubs and the whole kit and kaboodle out back to the cornfield behind the shed.  My wife asked me what I was doing and I gave her the look that means she's just this close to real trouble. I told her that it was none of her business and that she didn't know anything about golf and the only person who knew less was Hank Haney.

     "I got out my double barrel shotgun and aimed at the clubs and bag and I blew the whole shebang into smithereens.  That's the best time I ever had golfing.  I'd like to recommend that Rush do the same thing.  Or he could come on down and we could just shoot the breeze and maybe go out and have some real sport, know what I mean?

Leading Pro's Size Up Their Chances in 2011

      The top professional's in the world have written in their blogs and on their websites and twittered their goals and plans for the upcoming season.  After exhaustive research, this writer has culled through the information and has been able to sum up the top pro's prospects for the upcoming season, as reflected in what they themselves have had to say:

Tiger:  People are trying to take my money away from me.  Everybody want my money:  lawyers, agents, caddy, wife.  I need my money.  I need more money.  I need it all.

Hey, that's mine!  Thinks Tiger.

Phil:  I was in the drive-thorugh at the Burger joint that I own a piece of and thought to myself, 'Do I really want to be a vegetarian?' And then I thought, 'Do I really want to be ranked Number One?' Maybe I will find the answer someday, in the meantime, I really want to have a good burger.

Ernie:  I have the experience and that's a valuable thing.  Unfortunately, my experience means that I have a lot of history, and that's not a good thing.  Like the double bogey I had at the end of my first round at Augusta last year.  Or the triple I had at the U.S.Open.  Or the bad tee time I had at the Open.  Or the quad I had at the PGA.   See what I mean?  I have experience, but I also have a lot of history.

Lee Westwood:  I am the Number One golfer in the world.  That's right--Number One.  For all of you who criticized me for not winning a major, or gave up on me when I was ranked like 700, I want to tell you something and this is it:  I am the Number One golfer in the world and you can just fuck off.

Ian Poulter:  I was thinking that my line of men's golf clothing should be more adventurous and bold.  I think that there should be more taffeta and satins and silks and even lace to complement the parachute nylon.  And more vibrant colors, too.  This year, I am especially fond of magenta.  Oh, and I also golf.

Rickie Fowler:  I hear all this stuff about a sophomore jinx and I think that must be like a caution light.  Oh wait, that's me dressed as a caution light.

Sergio Garcia:  I have all the talent, but cannot make the putt.  Long drive and ball on green and I cannot make the putt.  Life is so unfair.  I spit in the cup because I cannot make the putt.  It is not fair.  I cannot make the putt.

Rory McIlroy:  I have decided to stay in Ireland and play the European Tour.  This way, I can go home and run around my mansion in my underwear and read press clippings that tell me how great I am.  I could do the same thing in America I suppose, but it wouldn't be the same.

Graehme McDowell:  So, after I burst upon the scene last year and won the U.S. Open and helped win the Ryder Cup and stole the Chevron away from Tiger what do I do for an encore?  Beats me.

Martin Kaymer:  Hit the fairway.  Hit the middle of the green.  Sometimes make the putt.  Never, ever make a bogey.  It's a simple philosophy, I know.  I am simple and efficient.  You may think that it's boring but it's pretty exciting for me.

Taylor-Made Stuns Golf World with All-White Driver

"This is the most incredible driver on the market today!" says a golf critic who is paid to say such things.

"I hit the ball with this new club and was astounded by the distance and accuracy.  This is wonderful!" says another golf critic, who is not paid as much as the first guy.

"I wonder why we didn't think of this.  You can bet our R&D boys are working overtime to match this technology trying to  figure out how to paint our drivers pure white," says a Callaway spokesman.

     In a bold move, Taylor-made has released all-white drivers for 2011.  Both the R11 and the Burner Superfast are now pure matte white, with a black face so that golfers can improve their alignment.  Taylor-made has long held claim that they are the number one drivers in golf.  The company, which was the first to market metal drivers, and in recent years enlarged their market share with clubs that are adjustable, are staking their reputation on a new series of clubs that are white.

     "Our research has shown that our new white drivers out-perform all the newest offerings from the other major golf equipment manufacturers," says a Taylor-made spokesman, "which are, unfortunately for them, black.  Our white drivers consistently hit the ball 20 to 30 yards further and have less dispersion that your typical black driver, which translates into more fairways hit.  Let's face it, white is the new black."

      "There has been a lot of talk in recent years of high launch (HL) and low spin (LS) to optimize the distance of the drive, " says Van Blanc, a scientist at the Taylor-made equipment lab.  "We have devoted a lot of time and effort into moving the centre of gravity (CG) on our clubs so that golfers can have an HL, and we are always focused on the moment of inertia (MOI) so that the spin rate is relatively low, and the coefficient of restitution (COR) although none of us know what that means.  The point is that the club strikes the ball at higher speeds (MPH)."

     "In the case of our new R11 driver, one can adjust the loft using the Flight Control Tehnology (FCT), adjust the face angle with our new Adjsutable Sole late (ASP) and adjust the CG location with Movable Weight Technology (MWT).  All these innovations help in making the new R11 the longest and straightest club on the market today, but, let's face it, the club would not be nearly as effective had it not been painted white (W).  It is our belief, after thousands of hours of research, that W is the single greatest factor in hitting the ball long and straight."

     The new driver, which goes on sale in February of this year, has already created great demand and record-breaking bookings.

Natalie Shatters Hopes of High-handicappers Everywhere

Natalie demurely introduces herself to Dustin

By Romeo Casablanca

       It made my heart glad when it became known that PGA star Dustin Johnson and LPGA star Natalie Gulbis have been dating and can now officially be considered an "item".  I have always greatly admired Ms. Gulbis as both a golfer and a calender girl.  Certainly, the endorsements and attention she has parlayed into a lucrative career have created some animosity and jealousy amongst her fellow competitors, but let's face it, most of them look like middle linebackers and are probably butch besides.  So, most of their complaints arise from the fact that lovely young Natalie isn't playing for their "team".

     I have always suspected that Natalie, with all her wealth and acclaim has been kind of a lonely girl.  In looking over my well-fingered collection of her annual calenders (I keep all of them and couldn't bear to think of throwing them out), I cannot help but think that her lean and taut athletic body and her magnetic smile and the soft curve of her breasts that this was a person with a great deal of sorrow and I longed to console her and caress her and lick away her tears. But it was not to be, in spite of the letters, e-mails,cards, flowers, stuffed dolls, boxes of Titleist's, and naked photos of myself that I sent her.  Even after I was caught by the police lurking around her home and arrested and given a restraining order I still held out hope that Natalie would see that my love for her was pure and real and we were made for one another.  Oh well.

     So, she has taken up with this Dustin Johnson character.  Johnson, you may remember, was on the verge of winning his first major championship last year at the U.S.Open when he flubbed a chip shot and then another and that was that.  He took a 7 on the hole and his chances were gone, and we all thought that would be last we ever saw of him.  But, alas, a few months later, he was once again in contention and needed only a par to get into a playoff at the PGA Championship.  The golfing gods prevailed, however, and he hit his ball far to the right into the gallery.  No one was hurt, thank god.  Poor Dustin, having failed to read the rules for the event, failed to realize that he was in a bunker and he grounded his club.  When a rules official told him of this glaring mistake, Dustin tried to cover up his furtive act by saying "Bunker?  What bunker?"    Oh, c'mon Dustin, you must have realized there were a few bunkers out there at Whistling Straits--not even the groundskeepers know exactly how many, or where they all are.  You would have been better off by playing the whole course as one gigantic bunker, instead of making such a gigantic blunder.

     Now Dustin and Natalie have taken up with one another.  Natalie, bless her graceful limbs and the pleasure her perfect loins promise, has insensitively abandoned my proposals and responded instead to another professional golfer.  Well, maybe she can help the reading-impaired Johnson read the rules before he sets out for another tour event.  And Natalie, if you really want a career boost, have you ever considered videotape?

Rory Feels Pain after Break-up with Holly

Holly Sweeny sees red after reading text message from Tiger

     Rory McIlroy, the superstar North Irish golfer, has broken up with long-time girlfriend Holly Sweeny.  The two had been dating for 4 years and were rumored--prior to this notice-- to be engaged.  McIlroy had publicly stated that he would play the European Golf Tour this coming season rather than the PGA Tour, because he wanted to be close to his shy and buxom girlfriend. 

 

    It is rumored that McIlroy is devastated by the break-up and has been scarcely himself.  It has been learned that he wanders around his Irish mansion in his underwear and drinking Bushmill's whiskey and crying uncontrollably whenever a "Swiffers" commercial is aired on the "telly".  It has also been said that he watches the "Twilight" movies over and over and has publicly expressed his wish to be a vampire.  Most alarmingly, it is said that he has developed a fondness for Hugh Grant comedy-romances and alternates between laughing  hysterically at the madcap Hugh Grant and sobbing himself into a stupor.


     Friends and family close to McIlroy are concerned.  "We can understand that Rory is a bit upset because of the break-up with Holly, because, after all, she was a smoking hotty," said McIlroy's father.  "So, drinking two or three quarts of Irish whiskey a day, and expressing a desire to become a vampire are all understandable, and even-- perhaps-- a rite of passage.  But this business of him watching Hugh Grant movies is a sure sign that he is having a mental breakdown of sorts and might best be committed."


     Fellow golf professionals have tweeted McIlroy offering their support and consolation.  World #1, Lee Westwood, tweeted the following:

                       "Thought I'd send you a tweet about the twat.  Plenty of fish in the sea.  Keep a stiff upper lip, no point in having a stiff pecker now is there?"


      Graehme McDowell, a North Irishman and fellow Ryder Cup member to McIroy tweeted the following:

                      "Meet me at the pub and we'll celebrate like we used to.  Don't forget the costume." 
     
     And even the reticent Tiger Woods offered the young McIlroy some encouragement:

                      "Sorry that you and Holly broke up.  Need any advice I'm there for you.  Can I get Holly's #?

        A close friend of McIlroy, Seamus Fiddledeedee, is also gravely concerned about his long-time friend.  "I recall when I broke up with my bird, Gladys "Rear End" O'Riordan," said the spritely Seamus.  "I was absolutely devastated and could barely think of what I was doing.  It felt like the end of the world.  Not even blowing up a few mailboxes improved my spirits any."

    Feedledeedee admitted that the situation with his friend McIlroy may be a bit different, however.  "It's not like I'm worth millions of dollars and admired by the golfing public and a national hero now, am I?  That probably casts the thing in a whole different light."             

     Reasons behind the break-up are unknown, but there is speculation that Ms. Sweeny is considering a move to America herself so that she can be a paid participant in "Doctor Drews Celebrity Rehab." Although Sweeny has said herself in a rare interview that she has no problem with alcohol or drugs, but that, being Irish,  it would be no problem to develop one. It is also thought that Sweeny may be exploring other avenues while in America--avenues that are only open to young girls with a sweet innocent face and a body like a brick shit house.

    

    

    

    

Playing By the Rules

     On Thursday, during the first round of the Hyundai Tournament of Champions, Camilo Villegas was chipping up the slope to the 15th green. He hit the ball just slightly short, and the ball rolled back to him.  Trying again, Villegas hit another shot that was just short, and as the ball rolled back down the slope towards him, Villegas swatted at some loose pieces of grass.  A keen-eyed viewer phoned in to the PGA, saying that Villegas had committed a rules infraction.  Sure enough, Rule 23-1 says that "When a ball is in motion, a loose impediment that might influence the movement of the ball must not be removed."  Penalty for the infraction is two shots.  Since Villegas had signed his scorecard without assessing himself the two shot penalty, he was disqualified from the tournament.  Way to go, rules freak viewer!

     Actually, it seems that it is a common thing for the PGA rules committee to receive phone calls from rules viewers, citing this or that rule violation.  Last year, for example, Juli Inkster was disqualified for using a swing-weight on one of her clubs while her group was held up at the tee.  A rules freak spotted this miscarriage of justice and Inkster was gone.  Last year at the PGA, when Dustin Johnson grounded his club in what was laughingly interpreted as a bunker, the switchboard (as they say) lit up.  All sorts of rules guys found fault with that one.  In 1991, when John Daly was making his colossal debut PGA victory, another sharp viewer (who may have objected to the astonishing length that JD had off the tee, or might just have not liked his mullet haircut) phoned in to say that JD's caddy had used the pin as a guide to indicate the break of a putt.  Yes, that is a rules infraction.  The rules officials, after examing the evidence, decided that Daly's caddy did not intentionally break the rule.  In the late 80's, Craig Stadler was about to win a tournament when he hit his tee shot into the rough under a tree.  Not wanting grass stains on his pants, The Walrus kneeled down on a towel to hit his recovery shot.  Rules violation, it could be perceived as "building your stance".  Someone perceived it, and called it in.  Two shot penalty.  Stadler lost the tournament as a result of the ensuing two shot penalty.  Justice had prevailed, and The Walrus would have been better off paying for dry cleaning.

     What goes on in the mind of one of these viewers that feels compelled to phone in rules infractions?  To gain insight, we followed one of these cretins in the course of a normal day:

8:00 AM:  Tim "Bottle Eyes" Phlegmagator looks out his kitchen window and sees a couple of the children next door playing with a puppy.  They roll on the ground with the happy pup and throw a ball and are having a grand old time.  Tim watches closely and realizes that the puppy is not wearing a tag.  Tim picks up his phone and calls up the Humane Society and reports the lawbreakers.  To make certain that the authorities respond promptly, he tells them that the dog has bit him, and should probably be destroyed.

9:30 AM:  Tim is playing golf with the only remaining person who will play with him, Gordon Haffbaked.  On the third hole, Gordon is in a lateral hazard, but his ball can be hit.  He takes a couple of practice swings outside of the hazard.  A divot from one of his practice swings lands near his ball, and as Gordon approaches his ball he picks up the divot and flings it away.  He then takes his shot and hits a beauty and it lands 10 feet from the hole.  He makes the putt for par.  Tim tells him he scored a double bogey, for altering his lie in a hazard. 

10:30:  Tim is on his way home, since the golf match with Gord was aborted when Gord tried to take Tim's  head off with his sand wedge.  Tim is behind a car with plates that are out-of-date.  On speed dial, he calls up the local police station, and reports the license number, make and color of the offending automobile.  To be on the safe side, he follows the car to what Tim presumes is the owner's residence, and phones that information in, too.

11:00  Tim stops at a farm house on his way home to buy some eggs.  The farmer has stacked the cartons of eggs in the shade under a tree, and has left a wooden box with a hole carved in it for customers to pay for any eggs they might take.  The honor system.  Tim takes a picture of the tableaux, making certain that the address of the farm is clearly visible in the photo.  Tim then takes the wooden box, and a dozen eggs.  He loves farm fresh eggs.  Later, when he gets home, he will send an e-mail to the tax authorities, claiming he has evidence of a citizen who is failing to disclose income.  With the e-mail will be an attachment of the photo.  He will tell the tax people that he has the wooden box, should they need it as evidence.

12:00  Tim drives out to the highway and pulls his car over to the side just past a bridge.  Tim drives a plain white sedan that looks suspiciously like an unmarked cruiser.  Tim puts on his sunglasses and sticks a hair dryer out the window.  To someone speeding along, it appears as though there is an unmarked cruiser with a radar gun.  Tim takes great pleasure in watching motorists slow down when they spot his car.  He writes down the license numbers of the speeders.  He'll pass this information along to the police.

1:00  Tim goes into a local bar and orders a draft beer.  He watches a fellow who is a bit under the weather leave the bar.  He asks the bartender who the fellow was, and where does he live?  The bartender looks at Tim skeptically and ignores his questions.  Tim phones the local health board and tells them the name and address of the bar, and says that he saw a rat in the kitchen.

2:00 Back home again, Tim sit in his favorite chair and turns on the golf tournament.  He hopes that he will spot a rule infraction or two.  He has the PGA Rules Committee on speed dial.  One must, Tim thinks, be ever vigilant for any miscarriage of justice.



     

 

   

Golf Channel Causes Car Wreck with Morning Drive

     If you have had the misfortune to be sucked in by the promotion on The Golf Channel, you may have actually tuned in to watch their morning golf/sports talk program, "Morning Drive."  You may have actually watched, as I did, for a few minutes, because you and I have been starved for golf in the last month, and Golf Channel (they dropped the "The" from their monker) has been showing us nothing but reruns of The Big Break and Tin Cup and an endless procession of infomercials. So, we tuned in to The Morning Drive fully expecting a golf oriented program comparable to "Pardon the Interruption", or something along those lines.

     Big disappointment.  The hosts of the program, Eric and Gary, talk with one another with all the comfort and candor of strangers sitting together in a church pew:

Eric:  Pass me that hymn book.
Gary:  I have no opinion on that matter. 

     Eric is the alpha dog of this program, trying to probe and lead Gary into saying something (anything!) that might be construed as interesting or engaging or thought-provoking or sign of intelligent life.  To no avail.  On the second day of the program, Eric tried to enlist Gary's opinion on the Top Ten Sports Stories of the Year, as decided by the Associated Press.  Gary, unfortunately, didn't have any.  "That story doesn't excite me" he would say, or, "It doesn't sound to me as though it should be a Top Ten story."  In short, Eric is like an adult trying to gather information from a surly teenager--none is forthcoming.

    Of course, the powers that be at Golf Channel may have instructed Gary and Eric to avoid controversy at all costs.  To be on the safe side, they say nothing at all.  For two hours.

     Now, I should give the show a bit of a break.  Maybe it will improve.  One viewer wrote that "this show will have to improve drastically just to suck".  Another said that Gary Williams has "the personality of an unemployed golf pro plagued by the shanks."

     But hoping that TGC will institute changes and improvements is, by and large, a wasted effort, otherwise how in the world can you explain Kelly Tilghman?  Or, for that matter, Charley Rymer?

     To use an old joke, both Eric Koselias and Garry Williams have a face for radio.  They do have some eye-candy, but she is largely left off-screen.  (Where is the wisdom in that?  Presumably she was hired because she DOES look good.) Eric reminds me of a guy who has to shave 3 or 4 times a day, and probaby wears too much after-shave.  Gary slightly resembles "E" on Entourage, if "E" did all his shopping at L.L. Bean.

     To liven things up, The Morning Drive has interviews with golf personalities.  On the first day, they had a telephone interview with Arnold Palmer.  Arnie, bless his heart, told Eric and Gary and that it "was good to be King", although not in so many words.  On another day, they were talking to Rich Lerner (another Golf Channel employee) on the phone and somehow or another the topic of the homeless guy whose video went viral because of his beautiful radio voice came up.  Lerner gave us a couple of dead-on impersonations of Vin Scully and Keith Jackson, but other than that, could tell us little about the upcoming tournament in Hawaii, other than it was beautiful, and that Mauii was an island in the middle of the ocean.

     They had a couple of in-studio guests the first week:  Michael Whan, the commisioner of the LPGA tour, and Christina Kim, an LPGA player/author/twitterer and ebullient personality.  They were both shown playing a "Golden Tees" pinball game when Eric told us that they would join us after the break.  During the break, we were told that in this season of over-indulgence it was a good idea to buy a new Lexus.  When we came back, Eric asked Kim about her TV viewing habits, particularly her penchant for reality TV programs.  Regretably, Kim didn't give us her take on  Snookie and the rest of the cast of "Jersey Shore".  Michael Whan told us that he was trying hard.

      If only the Golf Channel tried as hard.