Natalie Shatters Hopes of High-handicappers Everywhere

Natalie demurely introduces herself to Dustin

By Romeo Casablanca

       It made my heart glad when it became known that PGA star Dustin Johnson and LPGA star Natalie Gulbis have been dating and can now officially be considered an "item".  I have always greatly admired Ms. Gulbis as both a golfer and a calender girl.  Certainly, the endorsements and attention she has parlayed into a lucrative career have created some animosity and jealousy amongst her fellow competitors, but let's face it, most of them look like middle linebackers and are probably butch besides.  So, most of their complaints arise from the fact that lovely young Natalie isn't playing for their "team".

     I have always suspected that Natalie, with all her wealth and acclaim has been kind of a lonely girl.  In looking over my well-fingered collection of her annual calenders (I keep all of them and couldn't bear to think of throwing them out), I cannot help but think that her lean and taut athletic body and her magnetic smile and the soft curve of her breasts that this was a person with a great deal of sorrow and I longed to console her and caress her and lick away her tears. But it was not to be, in spite of the letters, e-mails,cards, flowers, stuffed dolls, boxes of Titleist's, and naked photos of myself that I sent her.  Even after I was caught by the police lurking around her home and arrested and given a restraining order I still held out hope that Natalie would see that my love for her was pure and real and we were made for one another.  Oh well.

     So, she has taken up with this Dustin Johnson character.  Johnson, you may remember, was on the verge of winning his first major championship last year at the U.S.Open when he flubbed a chip shot and then another and that was that.  He took a 7 on the hole and his chances were gone, and we all thought that would be last we ever saw of him.  But, alas, a few months later, he was once again in contention and needed only a par to get into a playoff at the PGA Championship.  The golfing gods prevailed, however, and he hit his ball far to the right into the gallery.  No one was hurt, thank god.  Poor Dustin, having failed to read the rules for the event, failed to realize that he was in a bunker and he grounded his club.  When a rules official told him of this glaring mistake, Dustin tried to cover up his furtive act by saying "Bunker?  What bunker?"    Oh, c'mon Dustin, you must have realized there were a few bunkers out there at Whistling Straits--not even the groundskeepers know exactly how many, or where they all are.  You would have been better off by playing the whole course as one gigantic bunker, instead of making such a gigantic blunder.

     Now Dustin and Natalie have taken up with one another.  Natalie, bless her graceful limbs and the pleasure her perfect loins promise, has insensitively abandoned my proposals and responded instead to another professional golfer.  Well, maybe she can help the reading-impaired Johnson read the rules before he sets out for another tour event.  And Natalie, if you really want a career boost, have you ever considered videotape?