Holly Sweeny sees red after reading text message from Tiger
Rory McIlroy, the superstar North Irish golfer, has broken up with long-time girlfriend Holly Sweeny. The two had been dating for 4 years and were rumored--prior to this notice-- to be engaged. McIlroy had publicly stated that he would play the European Golf Tour this coming season rather than the PGA Tour, because he wanted to be close to his shy and buxom girlfriend.
It is rumored that McIlroy is devastated by the break-up and has been scarcely himself. It has been learned that he wanders around his Irish mansion in his underwear and drinking Bushmill's whiskey and crying uncontrollably whenever a "Swiffers" commercial is aired on the "telly". It has also been said that he watches the "Twilight" movies over and over and has publicly expressed his wish to be a vampire. Most alarmingly, it is said that he has developed a fondness for Hugh Grant comedy-romances and alternates between laughing hysterically at the madcap Hugh Grant and sobbing himself into a stupor.
Friends and family close to McIlroy are concerned. "We can understand that Rory is a bit upset because of the break-up with Holly, because, after all, she was a smoking hotty," said McIlroy's father. "So, drinking two or three quarts of Irish whiskey a day, and expressing a desire to become a vampire are all understandable, and even-- perhaps-- a rite of passage. But this business of him watching Hugh Grant movies is a sure sign that he is having a mental breakdown of sorts and might best be committed."
Fellow golf professionals have tweeted McIlroy offering their support and consolation. World #1, Lee Westwood, tweeted the following:
"Thought I'd send you a tweet about the twat. Plenty of fish in the sea. Keep a stiff upper lip, no point in having a stiff pecker now is there?"
Graehme McDowell, a North Irishman and fellow Ryder Cup member to McIroy tweeted the following:
"Meet me at the pub and we'll celebrate like we used to. Don't forget the costume."
And even the reticent Tiger Woods offered the young McIlroy some encouragement:
"Sorry that you and Holly broke up. Need any advice I'm there for you. Can I get Holly's #?
A close friend of McIlroy, Seamus Fiddledeedee, is also gravely concerned about his long-time friend. "I recall when I broke up with my bird, Gladys "Rear End" O'Riordan," said the spritely Seamus. "I was absolutely devastated and could barely think of what I was doing. It felt like the end of the world. Not even blowing up a few mailboxes improved my spirits any."
Feedledeedee admitted that the situation with his friend McIlroy may be a bit different, however. "It's not like I'm worth millions of dollars and admired by the golfing public and a national hero now, am I? That probably casts the thing in a whole different light."
Reasons behind the break-up are unknown, but there is speculation that Ms. Sweeny is considering a move to America herself so that she can be a paid participant in "Doctor Drews Celebrity Rehab." Although Sweeny has said herself in a rare interview that she has no problem with alcohol or drugs, but that, being Irish, it would be no problem to develop one. It is also thought that Sweeny may be exploring other avenues while in America--avenues that are only open to young girls with a sweet innocent face and a body like a brick shit house.
Friends and family close to McIlroy are concerned. "We can understand that Rory is a bit upset because of the break-up with Holly, because, after all, she was a smoking hotty," said McIlroy's father. "So, drinking two or three quarts of Irish whiskey a day, and expressing a desire to become a vampire are all understandable, and even-- perhaps-- a rite of passage. But this business of him watching Hugh Grant movies is a sure sign that he is having a mental breakdown of sorts and might best be committed."
Fellow golf professionals have tweeted McIlroy offering their support and consolation. World #1, Lee Westwood, tweeted the following:
"Thought I'd send you a tweet about the twat. Plenty of fish in the sea. Keep a stiff upper lip, no point in having a stiff pecker now is there?"
Graehme McDowell, a North Irishman and fellow Ryder Cup member to McIroy tweeted the following:
"Meet me at the pub and we'll celebrate like we used to. Don't forget the costume."
And even the reticent Tiger Woods offered the young McIlroy some encouragement:
"Sorry that you and Holly broke up. Need any advice I'm there for you. Can I get Holly's #?
A close friend of McIlroy, Seamus Fiddledeedee, is also gravely concerned about his long-time friend. "I recall when I broke up with my bird, Gladys "Rear End" O'Riordan," said the spritely Seamus. "I was absolutely devastated and could barely think of what I was doing. It felt like the end of the world. Not even blowing up a few mailboxes improved my spirits any."
Feedledeedee admitted that the situation with his friend McIlroy may be a bit different, however. "It's not like I'm worth millions of dollars and admired by the golfing public and a national hero now, am I? That probably casts the thing in a whole different light."
Reasons behind the break-up are unknown, but there is speculation that Ms. Sweeny is considering a move to America herself so that she can be a paid participant in "Doctor Drews Celebrity Rehab." Although Sweeny has said herself in a rare interview that she has no problem with alcohol or drugs, but that, being Irish, it would be no problem to develop one. It is also thought that Sweeny may be exploring other avenues while in America--avenues that are only open to young girls with a sweet innocent face and a body like a brick shit house.
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