On Thursday, during the first round of the Hyundai Tournament of Champions, Camilo Villegas was chipping up the slope to the 15th green. He hit the ball just slightly short, and the ball rolled back to him. Trying again, Villegas hit another shot that was just short, and as the ball rolled back down the slope towards him, Villegas swatted at some loose pieces of grass. A keen-eyed viewer phoned in to the PGA, saying that Villegas had committed a rules infraction. Sure enough, Rule 23-1 says that "When a ball is in motion, a loose impediment that might influence the movement of the ball must not be removed." Penalty for the infraction is two shots. Since Villegas had signed his scorecard without assessing himself the two shot penalty, he was disqualified from the tournament. Way to go, rules freak viewer!
Actually, it seems that it is a common thing for the PGA rules committee to receive phone calls from rules viewers, citing this or that rule violation. Last year, for example, Juli Inkster was disqualified for using a swing-weight on one of her clubs while her group was held up at the tee. A rules freak spotted this miscarriage of justice and Inkster was gone. Last year at the PGA, when Dustin Johnson grounded his club in what was laughingly interpreted as a bunker, the switchboard (as they say) lit up. All sorts of rules guys found fault with that one. In 1991, when John Daly was making his colossal debut PGA victory, another sharp viewer (who may have objected to the astonishing length that JD had off the tee, or might just have not liked his mullet haircut) phoned in to say that JD's caddy had used the pin as a guide to indicate the break of a putt. Yes, that is a rules infraction. The rules officials, after examing the evidence, decided that Daly's caddy did not intentionally break the rule. In the late 80's, Craig Stadler was about to win a tournament when he hit his tee shot into the rough under a tree. Not wanting grass stains on his pants, The Walrus kneeled down on a towel to hit his recovery shot. Rules violation, it could be perceived as "building your stance". Someone perceived it, and called it in. Two shot penalty. Stadler lost the tournament as a result of the ensuing two shot penalty. Justice had prevailed, and The Walrus would have been better off paying for dry cleaning.
What goes on in the mind of one of these viewers that feels compelled to phone in rules infractions? To gain insight, we followed one of these cretins in the course of a normal day:
8:00 AM: Tim "Bottle Eyes" Phlegmagator looks out his kitchen window and sees a couple of the children next door playing with a puppy. They roll on the ground with the happy pup and throw a ball and are having a grand old time. Tim watches closely and realizes that the puppy is not wearing a tag. Tim picks up his phone and calls up the Humane Society and reports the lawbreakers. To make certain that the authorities respond promptly, he tells them that the dog has bit him, and should probably be destroyed.
9:30 AM: Tim is playing golf with the only remaining person who will play with him, Gordon Haffbaked. On the third hole, Gordon is in a lateral hazard, but his ball can be hit. He takes a couple of practice swings outside of the hazard. A divot from one of his practice swings lands near his ball, and as Gordon approaches his ball he picks up the divot and flings it away. He then takes his shot and hits a beauty and it lands 10 feet from the hole. He makes the putt for par. Tim tells him he scored a double bogey, for altering his lie in a hazard.
10:30: Tim is on his way home, since the golf match with Gord was aborted when Gord tried to take Tim's head off with his sand wedge. Tim is behind a car with plates that are out-of-date. On speed dial, he calls up the local police station, and reports the license number, make and color of the offending automobile. To be on the safe side, he follows the car to what Tim presumes is the owner's residence, and phones that information in, too.
11:00 Tim stops at a farm house on his way home to buy some eggs. The farmer has stacked the cartons of eggs in the shade under a tree, and has left a wooden box with a hole carved in it for customers to pay for any eggs they might take. The honor system. Tim takes a picture of the tableaux, making certain that the address of the farm is clearly visible in the photo. Tim then takes the wooden box, and a dozen eggs. He loves farm fresh eggs. Later, when he gets home, he will send an e-mail to the tax authorities, claiming he has evidence of a citizen who is failing to disclose income. With the e-mail will be an attachment of the photo. He will tell the tax people that he has the wooden box, should they need it as evidence.
12:00 Tim drives out to the highway and pulls his car over to the side just past a bridge. Tim drives a plain white sedan that looks suspiciously like an unmarked cruiser. Tim puts on his sunglasses and sticks a hair dryer out the window. To someone speeding along, it appears as though there is an unmarked cruiser with a radar gun. Tim takes great pleasure in watching motorists slow down when they spot his car. He writes down the license numbers of the speeders. He'll pass this information along to the police.
1:00 Tim goes into a local bar and orders a draft beer. He watches a fellow who is a bit under the weather leave the bar. He asks the bartender who the fellow was, and where does he live? The bartender looks at Tim skeptically and ignores his questions. Tim phones the local health board and tells them the name and address of the bar, and says that he saw a rat in the kitchen.
2:00 Back home again, Tim sit in his favorite chair and turns on the golf tournament. He hopes that he will spot a rule infraction or two. He has the PGA Rules Committee on speed dial. One must, Tim thinks, be ever vigilant for any miscarriage of justice.
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