Rush Limbaugh Inspires me to Golf, says Redneck

  
      "I'm not much of a golfer,"says Milton.  "Don't really consider it a sport, know what I mean?  My idea of sport is hunting.  I like to zero in on an animal with my high power rifle and telescopic sight and blow it to kingdom come.  It's a beautiful thing, and the poor dumb animal isn't even aware that it's just about to be kill't.  POW--it's dead.  That's my idea of sport.  

     "But the other day I was watching this thing on The Golf Channel because one of my personal heroes (and a true goddamn American patriot) was going to be on it.  I tuned in early and watched this piece of crap about a homeless guy.  Imagine, a TV show about a homeless guy!  If I want to see the homeless, all I have to do is go downtown and I'd see lots of them.  (I'll tell you something--I wish we could hunt the homeless:  put a bounty on the lazy bastards and guys like me would have this homeless problem cleared up in a jiffy.)

     "Anyway, on this TV show called "Pipe Dreams" (HA!--more like "CRACK PIPE" DREAMS) there's this woebegone fellow who lives in a drainage pipe who wants to be a  professional golfer.  Right.  I''d like to tell him the same thing I tell the homeless I see on the street, which is 'get a job you lazy bum and make something of your pathetic life!' After all, it's this kind of attitude that made America great and if you don't like it ýou're probably a communist.

     "Well, you could ask my friend Rush about that, but it appears that he's mighty busy trying to learn how to play golf from this Hank Haney fellow.  This Hank Haney seems like a nice enough guy--I read somewhere that he used to teach that Tiger Woods rascal.  Seems as though he and Tiger had some kind of falling out. If you catch a glimpse of Haney's wife--she's this tall, leggy, blonde gal-- you might get an idea of why old Hank might not want that Tiger hanging around.

     "I figured I'd learn as my friend Rush learned, so I brought in my set of clubs and set them up in the living room.  I  could tell that my wife wasn't too happy about it but I gave her the look that tells her that I mean business and that was that.  Right away I found out that I have the same problem as Rush because I aim everything way to the right. I took out the lamp and a little unicorn statue that my wife was fond of but that's the price of progress. After all, that's the true American way and if you don't believe it then you're probably some kind of pinko socialist scum.  Know what I mean?

     "I heard Rush say that maybe he was too smart for golf and I think that might be my problem,too.  I'm talking about real-life smart, not fancy school-smart like those liberal morons that think they know everything and hate capitalism and want to tax and spend and are totally un-American if you ask me.
 
      "Well I got tired of swinging and missing and taking out some of the house furnishings and after a while I got so darned mad that I took the clubs and the whole kit and kaboodle out back to the cornfield behind the shed.  My wife asked me what I was doing and I gave her the look that means she's just this close to real trouble. I told her that it was none of her business and that she didn't know anything about golf and the only person who knew less was Hank Haney.

     "I got out my double barrel shotgun and aimed at the clubs and bag and I blew the whole shebang into smithereens.  That's the best time I ever had golfing.  I'd like to recommend that Rush do the same thing.  Or he could come on down and we could just shoot the breeze and maybe go out and have some real sport, know what I mean?